The Weight Of Delirium
by iheartteensoaps
Summary: She'd known him before the world was turned upside down. He'd been there for her demise and was now helping to pick up the pieces. This new world was scary, but it was her old life that still haunted her. They were two damaged people who unknowingly had the power to heal the other, but her sanity hung in the balance. Rick/OC AU
1. Chapter 1

_Okay, so this little number here is completely random. I got the inspiration for it from a novel I was reading at the time. This is going to be rather short, most likely only around seven or eight chapters at the most. This is a Rick/OC story with an emphasis on my OC and pretty AU. I've set this in the time between season three and four. I felt this stood well on its own and have chosen not to intertwine it with any of the storylines from the show, i.e. the flu-virus thing or the Governor. This story is different from any other one I've written so I'm interested to see what you guys think. This does deal with some mature issues and there is a little bit of smut thrown in there so you've been warned. I plan on only uploading the rest of the story if the first chapter gets a good response so make sure to let me know what you guys think. Reviews and constructive criticism are appreciated and enjoy!_

_And of course, I own nothing._

**Chapter 1-Robbed**

I was going crazy. I already was. Had been for awhile. I was seeing myself. I was seeing what had become of me. The very moment in my life that changed everything. I was watching myself die.

I'd let the darkness consume me and I was no longer at the prison inside my cell. He was attacking me all over again. He was terrorizing me and yet he said nothing. I was screaming and crying, begging for mercy and he never once said a thing. He was ripping at my clothes as he suffocated me with his large form. I clawed, grabbed, thrashed below him, but it was no use. He only made me suffer longer and harder. I felt the memories grip me as if they had a physical hold on my body. I felt paralyzed as I watched the scene unfold. It was torture to watch what had happened to me and yet I couldn't look away. There was nowhere else to look.

I watched as he raped and beat me. Watched as the woman I'd been so proud of visibly hollowed out before my eyes. The light, the vibrancy in my eyes died then. I fought a losing battle as he had his way with me. In this glimpse into my memories I noticed something was different. I watched horrified as his hands gripped my neck. He was strangling me to death. Watching, I felt as if his brutal hands were wrapped around my neck and I struggled to regulate my breathing. I observed my form go limp with death and I ceased to exist.

Suddenly, a hand grabbed my shoulder and I was pulled back to reality. Instinctively, my hand went to the waistband of my jeans and pulled out the 9mm handgun. I whirled around and expected to see the face of my attacker. I struggled to tune my senses back into my surroundings. My vision was out of focus and I blinked several times, keeping my gun trained on the figure in front of me. When my vision cleared, I saw it was Rick. He held his hands up in a non threatening gesture as I focused on his clear, blue eyes. He didn't look surprised or frightened. This wasn't the first time I'd done this to him. He wasn't the first person I'd done this to. I felt my grip on the gun handle loosen as I released a shaky breath. I holstered the gun back into my jeans and realized I was outside. It was dark and I was on the catwalk connecting two parts of the prison. The moon was high in the sky and provided a stream of blue-gray light onto the prison yard. I turned my body away from Rick and back towards the chain-link fence. I gripped the metal hard between my hands as I struggled to keep myself bound to this world.

I felt Rick move closer to me and I tensed. I offered up no apology for what I'd done. He knew I was sorry and I was, every time I'd done it. I felt the fogginess start to leave me as I recalled my life now. I was safe behind walls and fences. There were dead monsters roaming the earth now, but I was safe from the real monster that haunted me. For all I knew he was dead or one of those flesh eating things. I didn't care where he was or what he was as long as he never found me again.

"Another one?" Rick asked suddenly. I only nodded in response as I continued to hold the fence tightly, as if it was the only thing holding me up. "How bad?" He asked again. It'd been awhile since he'd gotten nosy and wanted to know where I'd disappeared to or what I saw. He'd gotten use to me being evasive or clam up all together whenever he'd prodded me for information. I wanted to do that now. I wanted to ignore his question and his presence, but I couldn't find it in myself to do that this time. Rick was the only person left in my life who knew what I'd gone through. He was the only one who understood and probably the only one of our group who didn't think I was bat shit crazy. He was the only tie I had left to my old life. At times I clung to him like a life preserver and other times, like now, I shut him out. It was better for him that way. He already had so much on his plate that I wasn't going to continually keep adding to it. My problems were my own.

"Olivia." He said and I snapped my eyes to his suddenly, becoming aware that he'd called my name. He looked tired and worried and I felt the guilt eat away at me.

"I watched myself die. He killed me." I stated simply, as if I was relating the weather to him. He showed no visible emotion at my statements.

"He didn't kill you Olivia. You're here. With me." Rick insisted. He was trying to make his voice strong, but instead it came out haggard. I felt as if he was trying to placate a child whose nightmares had kept her awake all night. I didn't get angry at him. I knew he would say this. I said nothing and went back to watching the stillness of the woods before us.

"Why don't you go back to bed?"

I brushed off his question. I didn't want to go to bed. In sleep, I wouldn't get the rest I so desperately craved. He knew that. "I can't Rick." I sighed out. I saw him nod dejectedly from my peripheral vision and I felt the guilt again. He was trying to help. He was always trying to help, trying to save me. It made me hate myself.

"I'll stay with you then."

He lowered himself to the ground and leaned on the fence as he spread his long legs in front of him. I mimicked his position on the floor as we sat together side by side in silence. We didn't have to say much to each other. We already knew. We knew the other's struggles. We knew each other's weaknesses. We knew the things that kept us up at night. We knew we'd both gone crazy at one point, maybe still were. I leaned my head back against the metal of the fence and closed my eyes. I was by no means sleepy, but I let myself think back to when I'd first met Rick Grimes.

It was two years ago. I was a new nurse at the local hospital. I was a fresh faced twenty six year old ready to take on my latest challenge of moving to a small Georgia town. I was innocent and naïve in my ways. I had a hunger for life that I never got back. I'd been working a late shift at the hospital and was running to my car as the rain drizzled lightly in the night sky. I waved absently to the security guard and quickly unlocked my car and got in. The air was chilly and I blasted the heat onto my cold face and hands. I let my car heat up as I checked my phone for messages or missed phone calls. I'd been so engrossed in the device that I hadn't bothered to lock the doors. I was usually so careful, but tonight I was careless and I would pay for my mistake.

A knock came to the window and I jumped at the sudden noise. I breathed a sigh of relief when I noticed it was Gary, the security guard. He was smiling and I rolled down my window so I could hear what he was saying. Gary was a handsome man. He was around my age and looked as if he once played college football. He had light brown hair and striking green eyes. Since I'd started working at the hospital four months ago, he and I had become more like friends. We often chatted as I left for work and he even gave me a ride home once when my car wouldn't start. I never felt fear around him. He was a gentleman. He'd asked me to dinner a couple of times, but I'd always politely declined. He was a nice guy and I often wondered why I didn't take him up on his offer, but something, I couldn't explain what, kept me from accepting. I figured out what that was too late.

Gary had said he was paged and was told to notify me that I was wanted back on my floor. I looked at him questioningly. This had never happened before. He said it was urgent and opened my car door. I didn't really think much of it at first, his insistence, but now as I look back I can see the hunger in his eyes that I hadn't noticed. I left my purse and phone in my car and followed Gary back up to the side door of the hospital. I was wondering aloud, trying to figure out what they needed me for. I was so engrossed in my own thoughts that I never saw the blow coming. My vision suddenly went hazy and a searing pain ripped at the back of my head. I would've fallen to the ground, but I landed in someone's arms. I only remember pieces as I floated in and out of consciousness. I remember suddenly coming to when I felt large hands grab at my clothes. I felt the adrenaline and fear start to pump into my veins as I took in what was going on.

I was on the wet, cold ground. I could see the hospital to my left and trees to my right. He'd carried me too far away for anyone to see us. I went to scream and that's when I registered the tape over my mouth. He had my hands in a vice grip as I struggled to stay conscious. I wanted to fight. I didn't want to make this easy for him. Tears sprung into my eyes as his cold hands met my flesh. I sobbed and begged behind the tape for him not to do this. I thrashed and tried to free my hands, but he met my struggles with a slap or punch to the face. He was too strong, much too strong for me. I looked to the parking lot in the distance and I could see people coming and going from the hospital. I had never felt more helpless than in that moment.

Gary never said anything. He didn't curse or utter words of pleasure. That's what made me so afraid of him in that moment. He was silent and I didn't know if he was going to kill me or not. I continued to struggle, even once he was inside of me. The pain was powerful and all consuming, but I refused to just lie there and take it. My face took the brunt of his violence as he tried to beat me into submission. After one particularly hard blow I blacked out. I remember thinking I had died, but then the immense amount of pain filled my broken body as I came back around. Gary was nowhere to be seen, as if he was never there. A ghost. A figment of my imagination.

I laid there for I don't know how long. I couldn't find it in myself to move. If I got help this would all be real. The pitying stares, the antiseptic smell of an examination room, the questioning, the humiliation. It would all come crashing down on me like an anvil. It would smother me. It was dark and cold still when I started to crawl slowly towards the parking lot. My legs felt weak and heavy with weights. The rain had stopped, but my clothes were soaked, both with rain and blood. I was shivering and I registered I was only in my undershirt and half torn underwear. The tape was gone from my mouth and I tried to yell, but my voice was gone. I couldn't form words. My mind was yelling at me, telling me what I had to do, but my body was protesting.

I finally crawled enough out of the woods to hopefully be seen. I was spent and my muscles burned and ached in pain. I rested my head on the cool, wet grass and waited. I didn't have to wait long before I could see the distinct red and blue lights of a police car. My eyes felt heavy with exhaustion and I struggled to keep them open. I heard the car stop and the doors shut as two men's voices filled my ears. I remember distinctly that they were talking about light switches, the lightness in their tones sounding foreign to my ears. I'm not sure why I remember their conversation so vividly, but I do. Their voices stopped suddenly as they walked around the car and see my limp form in the brush. I hear one of them get on their radio to request backup as the other makes his way over to me. I'm on my stomach when I feel a gentle hand turn me onto my back. The hair is swept from my face and I focus on a set of concerned blue eyes. I let the darkness take me then. I didn't know if I'd ever wake up, but at least I wouldn't die alone.


	2. Chapter 2

_Here is the next chapter and we're picking up where we left off last chapter. We're still understanding and learning what happened to Olivia in the aftermath of what's happened to her. I believe next chapter we'll be back in the present. Let me know if you guys are interested for me to continue or not. Thanks to mrsreedus69 for the review and the others who favorited and followed! Thanks to anyone else who's reading! I'm interested to see what you guys think once the depth of Olivia's issues becomes apparent and her realtionship to Rick. Reviews and constructive criticism are welcomed and enjoy!_

* * *

**Chapter 2-Insanity**

I woke up in a hospital bed with various bandages and stitches covering my body. My head felt as if I'd been hit by a bus and my throat was dry like sandpaper. I could feel my left eye was nearly swollen shut and I tried to adjust to my now limited vision. I heard voices and I looked to the door of my room. There were three men. Two were in police uniforms; the other was in a doctor's coat. They didn't see that I'd noticed them. They were engrossed in conversation and I strained my ears to listen to the hushed words. The sound of my blood rushing into my ears was making it impossible for me to hear what they were saying. I tried to clear my throat and that's when all sets of eyes settled on me.

The doctor came over immediately and started checking my vitals and shining a flashlight in my eyes. I gestured that I needed water and one of the officers, the taller one, brought me a cup of water. I met his eyes and I suddenly remembered those blue orbs being the last thing I saw before I lost consciousness. I greedily accepted the water and felt my throat being coated by the cool liquid. The doctor started asking questions and I answered in a monotone voice that sounded foreign to my own ears. He dismissed himself, saying he'll have a nurse administer more pain medication. He said he'd be back to check on me and that the officers wanted to get a statement.

My doctor closed the door behind him and I'm left with the two uniformed men. I took a minute to study each of them. One of them is shorter with dark brown hair and dark eyes to match. His nose and ears are slightly out of proportion to his face, but he is uncharacteristically handsome. The other is taller and leaner with those penetrating eyes that bore into me. He is handsome, more picturesque than his partner. The one with the dark eyes came forward and introduced himself as Officer Walsh. He gestured to his partner and introduced him as Officer Grimes. I said nothing in return. Officer Walsh wasted no time in questioning me. He was gentle and understanding. He explained someone saw me as they drove through the parking lot, but thought I was a drunken homeless man rather than a battered victim. They'd called the cops to hopefully rid the area of the unwelcomed visitor. They'd found me instead. They are both patient as I struggled to recall what happened to me. I couldn't remember all the details, but I could give them the name of who was responsible. They continued with the questions until a nurse came in. She administered the pain medication and checked some of my bandages. I placed my hand on her arm and she smiled warmly at me.

"Have they done a rape kit?" I strained to say. The nurse's gaze shifted to the two men in the room, but I continued to wait for an answer.

"Yes. Results are still pending. The doctor will let you know when we get them in." She said gently. I continued to hold my hand on her arm, stopping her from moving away from me.

"But I have been raped?"

She nodded, not giving me the look of pity I expected. I already knew what she'd indicated, I just needed confirmation. She patted my hand and said she'd be back with lunch. I felt my stomach lurch at the thought of food. I'd forgotten the two men in my room until Officer Walsh cleared his throat uncomfortably. He announced that they'd type up my statement and get started right away. He made promises of finding the man that did this, but I tuned him out. Throughout our meeting, Officer Grimes had remained quiet. I met his gaze and he offered a small smile. It was a gesture that signified he wanted to offer comfort, but didn't know how.

I registered they were moving towards the door and I nodded to them as they left. My eyes fell at their own accord once I was left alone. I tried to remember what had happened to me, but only glimpses came back. The only thing I continually saw was Gary. I could see his eyes, wild with something I couldn't identify. I felt myself start to drift and before I knew it, I was asleep.

It's nearly a month later when I'm back at work. The bruises and cuts have faded significantly, but the damage is still evident. My eyes are different. What once were deep, chocolate pools of innocence were now lifeless, dark orbs of tragedy. I have healed physically, but my mental state was still being evaluated. I was only allowed back to work if I committed myself to seeing a therapist. I hesitantly agreed. I didn't want to talk about what had happened to me, but I needed to go back to work. My only other alternative was shutting myself off in my home, waiting for _him_ to come back.

I had already spent so many days and nights locked in my room alone with my thoughts. I had no one to occupy me. My family didn't live in Georgia and I had chosen to keep what happened to me from them. I didn't want my parents fawning over me, treating me like a baby. I wanted to sweep past this and move on. The only problem was…I couldn't. I couldn't stop seeing his face when I closed my eyes or feel his hands on my skin. When I looked in the mirror I was constantly reminded of what he'd taken from me. I would terrify myself, thinking I saw him on my porch or in the corner of my living room. I'd lock myself in my bathroom with my phone and dial the number I'd so easily started to memorize.

Without fail, he would show up every time. Officer Rick Grimes was my knight in shining armor and had been since that night I'd locked onto his cerulean stare. At first, my calls were taken seriously. He'd call Officer Shane Walsh and they'd scout the area around my house and check all my rooms. Every time they came up empty handed. There was no sign of anyone. They'd calm me down and assure me they were just a phone call away if I saw or heard anything else. Soon, Officer Walsh stopped accompanying Rick. After I'd placed a single call each night for two weeks, Shane Walsh had given up on me. I'd given up on myself at that point. I began to see that I was crazy. I was seeing things. My mind was conjuring up the person I'd think I'd see in the window or the noise I'd hear from upstairs. Rick knew what was happening to me, but he never said it. Neither one of us acknowledged the painful truth that I was going out of my mind.

In spite of all of this, Rick came anyway. I don't know why. I knew he had a family and yet I would call him without a moment's hesitation. I'd feel guilty once I saw his tired face at my front door, but he never chided me. He never got angry with me. He was the one I called to check for monsters under my bed. I grew dependent on him and I became disgusted with myself. This man had a family, a child and wife and instead of being at home with them, he was busy continuing the charade of a delirious rape victim.

During those weeks that I'd allowed my fear to consume me, I'd tried to remember the missing pieces of that night. I couldn't. I started to lose blocks of time. I would be at the grocery store and then I'd suddenly be at home in bed. It would feel as if a second passed, but when I checked the time I'd see hours had gone by. Hours that were unaccounted for. I hid this fact from my doctor and Rick. I didn't want to believe what was happening to me. I didn't want to accept that I was letting him win. He was taking over my life.

The investigation had continued with no luck. Gary Harrison had essentially disappeared off the face of the earth. The rape kit had reported I was free of any type of STD and I was not pregnant. No semen was found inside of me and they concluded he had been wearing a condom. I should've been relieved at the news, but I just felt numb. I didn't have it in me to care. He'd taken more than my body away from me.

The months passed and I went back to work and saw a therapist like I was supposed to. I showed progress, but I was an excellent actress. I let people believe that I was getting better. I made an effort to smile or laugh more, but I never felt it. I told people I was fine when I wasn't. I'd stopped calling Rick, not because I didn't see things anymore, but because I felt too guilty. He'd stopped by one night to check on me and I'd smiled and convinced him I was fine. What he couldn't see was that I was barely holding it together. I saw my therapist every week. She tried to help me, but I could tell she knew she wasn't getting through to me. As much as I tried, I failed. I'd lost weight. My complexion was pale and my face looked sallow. My hair hung in dull strands around my face. I looked as fragile as I felt. I was screaming for help, but my mouth was telling anyone that would listen that I was magically cured.

No one knew that I panicked every time I passed the parking lot of the hospital. No one knew that I slept on my bathroom floor with my phone clutched in my hand. No one knew that I couldn't eat meals anymore without the fear of having it all come back up. I eventually let my therapist know about the missing gaps of time I'd experienced. It was starting to scare me that I couldn't recall how I'd end up at certain places. She called them "episodes" and explained it was most likely me disassociating myself with reality. She said my subconscious was pulling me out of my conscious mind because it was too painful. I said nothing as she explained this, but inside I was screaming.

I was leaving my therapist's office one day when I'd experienced one of my "episodes". I ended up at the police station. I was in my car and looked at the clock to see nearly three hours had passed since my appointment with my doctor. I tried to grasp at the place I'd travelled to, but I couldn't. I nearly jumped out of my skin when a knock sounded on my window and I felt fear pierce my whole body. I tensed and felt my breathing quicken. I could feel a panic attack coming on, but when I saw who was outside my window, I felt my lungs release and my body go lax. It was Rick and he was smiling. I rolled down my window and tried my best to put on a brave face.

"Olivia, I'm surprised to see you here. Everythin' alrigh'?" He asked concerned. I fumble with my hands in my lap and keep the smile plastered on my face. I nod and wave my hand dismissively. "I'm fine. Just checking on some things."

"Haven't heard from you in awhile." He stated. It was true. I hadn't seen or spoken to Rick in nearly a month. I shrugged, trying my best to act nonchalant. "Been busy." I can feel his eyes on me, studying me like only a cop knows how to do. He's trying to spot a lie. I meet his gaze and keep my poker face. I can tell he wants so badly to believe me. He wants to take the weight of worry off of his shoulders. He's made me his responsibility for some reason and he wants to know that I'm moving on with my life. I can't find it in myself to break that façade for him.

"Are you sure you're okay?" His words are clear and accentuated. He is still staring at me and I struggle not to fidget under his stare. I nearly crack and confess to him, but my mouth doesn't form the words. Instead I lie. Easily. Too easy.

"I'm fine." I say with false assurance. I smile again and I can see the wrinkles disappear from his eyes. He tries to hide his relief, but I've already noticed it. He smiles again and pats the roof of my car as he backs away. "Take care of yourself Olivia." I only smile and wave as I roll my window back up. I start my car and pull away as he continues to watch me. The whole way home I cry. That was my chance. That was my chance to ask for the help I so desperately needed and I couldn't do it. I'd denied myself because I could see he wanted off the hook. He wanted to feel good about walking away from me, so I let him.


	3. Chapter 3

_Okay so I lied. This chapter is still going through the events of the past, but I promise we'll be back into the present next chapter. This chapter is a short one, but there's some Rick/Olivia interaction so hopefully that'll make up for it. Thanks again to mrsreedus69 for the review and thanks to those who are reading. I've got quite a bit of views so hopefully you guys are liking what you're reading. Again, reviews and constructive criticism are appreciated and enjoy!_

**Chapter 3-Apocalypse **

When Rick had gotten shot, nearly nine months had passed since he'd been called out to rescue my beaten body from a ditch. It was nearly two months since I'd seen or spoken to him. That day outside the police station was the last time. When I heard of his shooting I was sure that they'd mistaken the name of the officer, but the newspapers printed a photo of the man clinging to his life and I saw those same eyes staring back at me in black and white. I felt the intense urge to see him, but I knew I wouldn't be allowed. I felt deep sadness and loneliness at the news. Although I hadn't seen or spoken to Rick, I always knew he was there if I ever truly needed anything. Now, he was fighting for his life in the ICU. If he died, where would that leave me? I'd come to depend on him too much even with cutting off contact. The fact that he was always there made me a little more relaxed, but now he could quite possibly die and leave me to figure this out alone. I knew I was being selfish and I chastised myself. I thought about his family and how they must be feeling. I felt guilt again. Life wasn't fair. It seemed the good people always got the short end of the stick.

The news reports started not long after Rick was shot. People were going crazy, eating each other and coming back to life. The whole thing sounded like a movie and yet the news had constant footage of that very thing happening on the streets of every major city. It was spreading, whatever it was and before I could comprehend it, life stopped. People packed up and fled. The government ceased and we were all suddenly left to our own devices. I remember trying to get back to Texas to my family, but the airlines were booked and the highways were grid locked. I was a sitting duck in my house. I locked myself in my home and stayed there, only coming out to scavenge for food or supplies. I survived.

I stayed in my house for nearly six months when the winter came in. I had scavenged nearby houses for all the clean blankets, food, and supplies I could find. It was barely November and it was already bone chilling cold, especially during the nights. I'd done a decent job of making my house looked abandoned. I'd reinforced the windows and doors and made sure the blinds were always shut. I got lucky. My house was untouched.

It was on a cold, winter day when I heard cars pull up. I cautiously looked out the blinds to see a group of cars parked in my dirt driveway. My house wasn't in a neighborhood. It was a little far back from any main roads and relatively shielded from view. I immediately felt panic and fear. I noticed a black man carrying what looked to be a fire poker and I tensed at the sight. There were more people making their way out of the vehicles and I could feel my terror double in size. There were too many of them for me to handle. I pulled out my 9mm and made sure the safety was off. I didn't know what I'd do once they decided to come in, but I wasn't going to just roll over.

I continued to watch the group as they scouted the area around my house. They all looked worn and fatigued. A man came into view as he barked out orders. I could hear his voice and realized I recognized it from somewhere. His back was to me and I couldn't determine how I might know him. It was only when he turned and focused his blue eyes on the porch of my home that I recognized who it was. It was Rick Grimes. On my front porch. Again.

I made the decision to let them inside before they decided to kick my door in. I kept my gun out as I removed the wooden post blocking the front door and undid the locks. I took a deep breath, focusing on the task at hand. The memories of my old life were trying to creep into my mind. The circumstances at which I met Rick were trying to pull me into their depths. I fought them back as I'd become accustomed to doing and started to open my front door. Immediately, the door made a whining sound on its hinges and I had a handful of guns and many pairs of eyes on me as I moved to stand on the porch. I said nothing as I made direct eye contact with Rick. I registered the surprise on his face as he lowered his gun. I could tell he hadn't expected to find me here, alive at least.

We both stared at each other for awhile. Watching the other to see how badly this world had fucked us up. Trying to figure out if we were still a fragment of the person we used to be. I felt myself become happy at his presence. I didn't know if he would stay. I didn't know if he would kill me on the spot, but none of that mattered because he'd already saved me too many times to count. I moved closer to the edge of my porch and kept my gun at my side as I spoke.

"I don't remember calling you out here Officer Grimes." My voice is scratchy, but light as I smile at him. He laughs and I can tell it throws everyone else off. "Olivia." I hear him say and I nod in return. I gesture for them to follow me inside and as I make my way back in. It takes a moment, during which I know they are discussing if they should trust me or not, before they are entering through the front door.

It's later that evening after I've been introduced to the group and dinner has been dished out that Rick and I are finally alone. We're on the front porch, staring into the night. The rest of his group is inside readying themselves for bed. I only have two beds in my house, one of which is my own. They're grateful just to have four walls to sleep in and they make do with what I have. It's nice to be around people again. I didn't know how much I craved human interaction until I'd been without it for nearly a year.

"How'd you survive all this time alone?"

Rick's voice is low and rougher than I remember. I take a moment to study his profile and can see the days have not been kind to him. I'm sure I mirror his appearance. There's no place for vanity anymore.

"I stayed hidden. Off the radar." I answered simply. He seemed to accept that and only nodded in return.

"What about you Rick?" I use his first name and neither of us is surprised by the casualness of it. After the things we'd all been through, the formality of a name or label hardly mattered anymore, if at all.

"What about me?" He sighs out. I turn to look at him, but he's still looking out towards the night.

"How've you survived?"

"By running. This is the first time I've had to run from those damn things and I don't know how-," He pauses a moment and sighs in frustration. "My wife is pregnant and I don't know how to make a life anymore."

I'm surprised by his confession. I was so use to him being the strong one, the comforter, that I'm not sure what to say. I don't know how to comfort anyone, but myself anymore. I stay silent in the wake of his confession and he clears his throat. He's staring at me now, pushing back from the railing of the porch to go back inside. "I'm glad to see you Olivia. Thanks for lettin' us stay." I only nod, not being able to find my voice as I watch him go back inside. I sigh into the night air and feel something I hadn't felt in months. _Safe_.


	4. Chapter 4

_Okay, back to the present and the prison with this chapter. I decided to go ahead and post this chapter since the last one was so short. I'm really fond of this one. It's short also, but there's a lot of emotion between Rick and Olivia in it. I think this portrays the nature of their relationship really well. Hopefully you guys feel the same. Thanks to those who reviewed and those that are reading. Reviews and constructive criticism are appreciated and enjoy!_

**Chapter 4-Keeper**

I'm pulled from my memories when I hear a baby crying. I realize I'm being awoken by the crying and I can't remember ever falling asleep. I search my mind for my last memory and I recall being on the catwalk with Rick. I'm now in my bed back in my cell and I can feel the warmth of the sun beaming onto me in between the bars of my door. I sit up in my bed and hear Beth soothing an irritated Judith. I grasp at my head as I feel a migraine take over. I lay back down as the light and noise of the cell block make me nauseous with pain. I focus on my breathing and try not to let the tears that sting my eyes fall onto my cheeks. I feel someone's presence at my door and I want to yell at whoever it is. Everyone is very aware that I don't take kindly to being snuck up on. I know the only person who thinks he's immune to that fact is Rick.

I pry an eye open and see him making his way inside as he pulls the sheet across the cell opening to block the sun. The crying has stopped and I can already feel my nausea subsiding. I feel him sit down at the end of my bed as the mattress shifts under his weight.

"Migraine?" He asks. I only nod and silently hate the he's come to know my faults so well. I have my arm thrown over my eyes now, but I can still feel the weight of his gaze. "How'd I get here?" I ask groggily. I already know the answer, but I want to make sure I didn't have another episode and lose another part of my life. "I carried you. You fell asleep outside."

"What time is it?" I know its way past morning and I feel disappointment at sleeping another day away. I do that often and Rick has explained to everyone that I should be left alone. It's a well known fact I have trouble sleeping at night, if at all, so my rest comes during the day. There are times when I won't sleep at all, but I try not to make that a habit.

"Around two." He answers. I groan and feel the tears start to slide down my cheeks. I don't bother wiping them away. I'm not ashamed anymore. Rick has seen me at my most vulnerable time and time again. He doesn't try to comfort me. He knows I don't like to be comforted when I cry. It makes me feel weak. I sniffle and wipe away the tears as I sit up and bring my knees to my chest. I rest my chin on my raised knees and chance a glance at Rick. He is watching me and I close my eyes, not wanting to see the look on his face. I can tell he's worried about me.

"You need me to get Hershel?" It's the same question he always asks when he's not quite sure what I need. He can't read me right now. He can't tell if I want him to stay or go. He can't tell if I want him to talk or shut up. I shake my head at his inquiry. I'm far beyond getting help from Hershel.

"I'm gonna go get you some food." I go to protest, but he stops me. "You have to eat Olivia." His tone is forceful and I concede. He leaves for a moment and returns with a bowl of vegetables from the garden and deer meat. My stomach growls, but my taste buds sour at the sight. I reluctantly take the bowl from Rick and begin eating slowly so as not to have it all come back up. I get a couple spoonfuls of vegetables and two bites of meat before I hand my bowl off. I can't handle anymore. Rick doesn't say anything as he takes the bowl from me.

"I hate this." I whisper. He doesn't say anything right away and I know he's trying to figure out how to handle me.

"Olivia…this isn't your fault."

"Isn't it?" I shoot back.

"You can't help it." He points out. I look away from him and go back to staring at the wall of the cell. He's right. I can't help it. I'm not always like this, but last night was particularly bad for me. I hadn't dissociated for a long time. I saw it as a huge step back and I was extremely upset with myself. I'd thought about what happened to me from time to time, but ever since Rick and his group found me I'd been able to push it away easier. With a group of people around and chores that needed to be done there was hardly any time to think about your old life. I felt safe and relaxed for once. It was at night that I had the most trouble. I freaked everyone out with my vacant stares and insomnia, but they knew enough not to ask about it. Rick had made it his mission to keep everyone from probing me too much. He made sure people were not to get involved with my issues unless I was a threat to myself or someone else.

He cared for me, but at times he made me feel as if I was a porcelain doll. I supposed I was, but I didn't like being treated differently. I felt like an outcast. I felt like the freak in class. I thought about what everyone did that depended on something when the world ended. How do you deal? How do you cope if you depended on someone to help you to the restroom? How do you cope if you depended on medication to live or stabilize you? How do you cope when you depended on someone to help you get through day to day life? That's how I felt. How would I cope if I ever lost Rick again? I didn't know and I didn't want to find out.

"I'm sorry." I whisper as unshed tears make their way to the corners of my eyes. I look at Rick and he is watching me. I can see the look of understanding and acceptance across his face. I always apologize for taking him away from his family, his duties. I hadn't meant for him to be my sole provider of all things, but he was.

"Nothin' to be sorry about Olivia."

"Then thanks." I retort and he nods as he rubs the back of his neck. "Anytime." He gets up and makes his way out of my cell. I miss him before he's even pinned the sheet back against my cell. I clutch my knees tighter to my chest and try the breathing exercise my therapist suggested in one of our sessions. I close my eyes and focus only on the sound of my breathing. I let my thoughts clear and my body let go of the tension. It feels good and I can feel the dark slipping further away from my mind. I feel tired, even though I've slept hard. I get out of bed and lace up my boots as I ready myself to take part in the last of the day's chores. Rick wouldn't approve, but I decided to ignore any glances he'd send my way. I needed this.


	5. Chapter 5

_So this chapter is longer for you guys and contains smut, so feel free to scroll past it if it bothers you. I want to give a special thank you to mrsreedus69 for spreading the word about this story and thank you to those of you who reviewed and followed. I'll let you guys get to reading. Enjoy and review! _

**Chapter 5-Nightmares & Late Night Rendezvous **

Days later I'm in my bed trying to chase a fitful sleep. The cell block is silent aside from the soft snoring of the others asleep in their cells. I can't stop my memories from flooding me. Something has triggered them and I'm not sure what it was. I'm back in that hospital parking lot. I'm yelling at myself to leave, to not let Gary Harrison take me away, but it happens anyway. This time I remember every detail. I remember the feel of him, his smell as he grunted on top of me. I remember the sticks digging into my back and the soft melody of crickets in the background. I remember the brutal force of each blow he delivered to me. I feel as if I'm relieving the whole thing until Gary raises a gun to my head. I've never seen him with a gun. I don't know where he got it from, but none of that matters as he presses the barrel to my temple. I shake my head, pleading with my eyes and he pulls the trigger.

I jolt awake at the dream. It's a mixture of memories and images my mind has created. I'm sweating and panting as if I'd run ten miles. I search the dark around me, but I don't see anyone in my cell. I feel the panic rise into my chest anyways. I think I see a dark form in the corner of my cell. I think I hear him call my name and I freeze. I'm terrified. I can't find my voice, but I feel the adrenaline pumping. I get out of bed and I want to pull my hair at the helplessness I feel. Everyone is asleep. I can't bother them with figments of my imagination. I try to do the breathing exercise again, but it's pointless. I shutter and it feels as if someone is watching me.

I'm desperate and I can't take it anymore. I make my way out of my cell and to the first cell on the row. I'm glancing all around me, waiting for the dark figure to return. I make it to his cell and peel back the sheet to see he is sleeping peacefully. I'm beyond reason at this point and make my way inside his cell. I reach my hand out and gently touch Rick's shoulder. He is on his side facing the wall and he immediately jolts awake at the contact. He tries to get up, but I push him back down. I raise the blankets and crawl in beside him, forcing him to scoot against the wall to make room. I can tell in the dark he is looking at me questioningly. I've never done this before. I've never crossed this boundary. I face him and look into his eyes that are faintly visible by the light of the moon. I clutch his shirt in my hands and bury my face into his chest. I want him to surround me. I need him to make me feel safe.

"He was in my cell. I heard him. He shot me."

I didn't get out anymore before Rick is placing his arms around me. I don't cry, just let him hold me. I entangle myself with him and it doesn't even cross my mind how intimate it is. All I'm focused on is chasing away the demons. I need my savior. I need to forget.

I wake up to arms around my waist and a hard chest against my back. I push back slightly, still half asleep and feel someone's arousal pressed against me. I tense, but relax when I remember I crawled into Rick's bed last night. I don't know if he's awake or not so I ignore his excited state and turn to face him. His eyes are closed and his breathing is even. I study his tranquil face and I find myself smiling. I trail a hand across his cheek and smooth away the lines that hadn't been there when we'd first met. He stirs and suddenly his eyes are open and boring into mine. My hand is still lying gently on his cheek and I pull it away reluctantly. His face is unreadable and I speak before he has the chance. "I'm sorry I crawled in here last night. It all-it just felt so real." He moves his arms away from me and turns to lie on his back. I mimic his position and stare up at the unoccupied bunk above us.

"It's alrigh'." He says roughly. His voice is laced with sleep. I push my long, dark hair out of my eyes knowing I probably have a bad case of bed head and start to move out of the tiny bunk. "Thanks Rick." I say as I move out of his cell, not giving him a chance to say anything in return. I quietly tip toe back to my cell and into my own bed. I get under the covers and immediately miss the warmth of Rick's body.

Although I hadn't intended to, I continue the visits into Rick's cell at night. It didn't happen every single night, but most. My dreams or memories, whatever they were, were playing in my mind as if I was watching them on a movie screen. Each time I crawled into his bed, I hated myself a little bit more. I was being weak. I was doing nothing to wean myself off Rick being my only support system, but in the dark when I thought I saw that sinister figure lurking I didn't care how I looked. I just needed to be in his arms. Each time I woke before everyone else so I wasn't spotted. I didn't need people speculating about what Rick and I were up to. It was none of their business.

It was after nearly two weeks of this going on that I did something I would instantly wish I could take back. During the two weeks I would wake up and feel Rick pressed against me, his arousal evident. I chalked it up to a natural response, but somehow I knew better. It was late when I crept into his bed that night. I was shocked to see he was awake and appeared to be waiting for me. I covered the door of his cell back up and made my way inside. He lifted the blanket and let me slide in next to him, moving silently like we'd done nights before. I offered up no explanation of my presence. He already knew. I lay on my side facing him while he lay on his back with his hands behind his head. He isn't saying anything and I feel curiosity grip me at why he's still awake.

"You okay Rick?" I whisper. He takes his time answering, but nods. I try again. "Couldn't sleep?"

"Bad dream."

I'm reminded of the fact that I don't know how to comfort him. He's always been the one there for me. I feel guilty at never stopping to think that he had his own demons to worry about in the dead of night. I lift my hand to his chest and rest it there, not really knowing what else to do, but feeling as if I should be doing something. He surprises me by taking my hand in his own. He hasn't said anything and I'm starting to realize how much his dream has affected him. I'm suddenly overcome with emotion. I feel tremendous feelings of gratitude and loyalty to the man lying beside me. Trailing behind those emotions is a distinct feeling I can't quite pick up on. His thumb starts to absently rub my hand and I recognize the unknown emotion. Lust. It creates a warm mixture inside me. I make up my mind then. I decide that this is the way I can show Rick how much he means to me. I can show him how thankful I am that I've found him. I can let him use me the way I've used him, both in different ways, but with the same outcome.

I let my hand untangle from his and trail down his chest. I'm already lying so close to him as I let my leg rest against one of his. I feel him tense as my hand moves down his body. He quickly grabs it and stops any further movement. His grip is tight, but not painful. He stares at me and I look up at him.

"What're you doin' Olivia?" He asks somewhat irritated. I'm upset by his tone, but keep it out of my voice. "I want this Rick. I know you do too." I didn't know that for sure, but I wanted him to. I needed him to want me in that moment. I needed him to accept my help because this was all I could offer him.

"Want what?" His hand is still wrapped around my wrist, but his grip has loosened. I move myself up his body and place a hesitant kiss to his neck. I feel him go rigid beneath me and I worry I've screwed everything up. "Please Rick." I can see the struggle play out across his face. I free my hand of his and move it underneath his shirt. His skin is warm to the touch and his chest is hard with muscle. I let my lips graze over his neck and face as I try to get him to succumb to my advances. I'm nearly about to give up, but I press my body to his again, letting him feel all of my curves through my thin shirt and boxer shorts. I see him clench his jaw and then he grabs my hair and pulls my lips to his.

The kiss is filled with passion and nearly bruising. My head is swimming and I struggle to remain in the moment. I let my hands wander as his hands lock around my waist. I've tangled my leg with his and I've unintentionally started to rub myself on his thigh. I moan at the delicious friction and suddenly there's a wildfire burning uncontrollably inside of me. I let my body take over as I move to straddle his body. I place myself on top of his growing arousal and we both moan lowly at the contact. My hands have pushed his shirt up and they are roaming the expanse of his chest. His own hands have found their way into my shirt and are pushing it up and over my naked back. I raise my arms to allow the fabric to pass over my head and go back to getting his shirt off. He sits up and meets me in the middle as I lift his shirt over his head. Once we are both topless we let our naked chests meet and the feeling is pure bliss. His hands are tangled in my hair now and mine are grabbing at him in return. I ground myself down on his lap and he bucks up into me.

I don't feel fear or nerves at being with Rick like this. I hadn't slept with anyone since my attack. I'd been adamant on keeping myself closed off and unattractive. I didn't feel any of that when I was with Rick. He makes me forget. He makes me feel alive; as if nothing so painful had ever touched me before. He makes me feel anew and I relish in the feeling as we continue to kiss each other hungrily. I push him back down on the bed and follow him as I start to pepper his chest with light kisses. His eyes are closed in ecstasy and I continue to swirl my hips above his. His large, calloused hands are wandering my back and dipping into the seam of my shorts. I feel his fingers dip below the waist band of my underwear and I immediately want to feel his body against my own. I want to remove any and all boundaries between us. I shift myself so I can hastily remove my shorts and panties. He only watches in rapt fascination as I reveal my body to him.

I hear his breathing hitch, but I'm on top of him again before he can study me any longer. I'm pulling at his boxers next. We're back to exploring each other's mouths as he helps me to rid himself of the offending garment. Our naked bodies meet and we both fight the moans we wish to release at the skin on skin contact. Both of us feel hot to the touch as we move against each other. He's lifted himself to attach his mouth to my neck and breasts and I hold him there, running my fingers through his wavy hair as I feel his bearded face scratch my skin. I can feel he is more than ready to be inside of me and I know I mirror his impatience. Before we can join together I hear him say something against my neck. His words are muffled and I pull myself out of my lust driven haze to comprehend his words.

"No condoms." He says roughly. I can hear the disappointment in his voice at the realization. I'm surprised neither of us thought about it sooner. I can't find it in myself to care about our predicament. I'm so desperate to have him inside of me, filling me. He's leaving a mark on my skin and I pull his mouth back to mine to capture him in a heated kiss. I pull away and move to his neck to speak into his ear. "I want this Rick…please." I'm practically begging and I feel his hands grip my hips tightly. I'm biting and sucking his neck when he finally answers. "I'll pull out." I register what he says and waste no more time. I adjust myself and hold him as I take him inch by inch. I have to stop a couple of times before he is finally sheathed fully inside me. There is a dull pain and I focus on Rick's gentle hands and kisses as it subsides.

We stay like that for a moment. We just hold each other as we feel the sensation of being so intimately joined together. He's back to sitting up and holding me in his lap. I feel so safe and untouchable in that moment. I feel the pleasure start to come back to the forefront and I begin to move slowly on top of him. I take my time and he lets me. It feels like nothing I've ever felt before. I can't remember sex ever feeling this good. We move together as if we've always been this way. There is no nervousness or fumbling limbs. There is just passion and tenderness. He is as gentle with me in bed as he is with me in day to day life and I want to cry at the pureness of it all.

I can feel myself reaching my end as Rick's hands roam my back and his mouth attaches to my naked chest. I continue moving, keeping my slow, rhythmic speed as I feel myself shatter around him. I squeeze my eyes shut and pull him to me, wanting him to be closer than what's humanly possible. I struggle to keep my moans silent, but I move my mouth to his ear and whimper lowly as I let him know what he's done to me. Lights are going off behind my eyelids and I can feel myself tremor in his arms. I can't focus on anything except the overloading of my senses. I'm completely limp in his embrace when I hear him grunt. He's signaling his release and I pull him out of me and watch as he pleasures himself to his blissful end. I feel emptiness without him in me now. I feel as if something is missing.

I feel warm droplets coat my thighs as he finishes between us. I'm memorized by him in the thralls of passion and it makes me ache for him all over again. He collapses on the bed and I shift to lie beside him. I've grabbed an article of clothing from the floor to help him clean up and I feel myself start to drift asleep before I've even handed it off to him.


	6. Chapter 6

_Thank you guys for the rise in interest in this story! I'm glad so many people are reading and enjoying it. This chapter is one of the shorter ones and picks up where we left off. This deals with the aftermath of what happened between Rick and Olivia and where Olivia's head is at. She's obviously a heavily flawed character and I want that to be apparent. Again, I think this is a key chapter that showcases the dynamic of Rick and Olivia's relationship, so hopefully that translates as well. Anyways, thanks again and enjoy! _

**Chapter 6-Repercussions **

I wake up to the first rays of sun shining through the windows. I feel refreshed and rested and I linger in those moments of half sleep and half awareness. I feel strong arms around me and I realize I'm using a hard chest as a pillow. I open my eyes and notice that Rick and I are pressed closely into each other, naked. I start to panic and the memories from last night flood my mind. I remember crawling into bed with him, seducing him, and experiencing the most intense sex I'd ever had. I quickly and quietly detach myself from him and dress in my clothes that lay scattered across the floor. I take a moment to watch him sleep before I slip out. I feel disgust at myself. I have ruined this man. I have gotten my claws into him and will be dragging him down with me from here on out. I leave him alone and go back to my cell. I change my clothes, almost in a trance and make my way outside.

I'm not thinking about anything anymore. I have one destination in mind as I trek down the prison yard with determined steps. I grab a crow bar hanging on the fence and make my way to the small cluster of walkers in the corner. The air is still cool from the night, but I can already feel the sun heating my skin. I get to work. I stab and kill one after the other. My arms start to ache, but I press on. I'm thinking of nothing. I'm just doing. It feels good to see the decayed bodies drop to the ground. I feel liberated when I see the dark, congealed blood splatter off their shattered skulls. I can feel pieces of them fall on my arms and neck, but I don't care. I am numb.

I have sweat glistening off my arms and face when Rick comes to find me. The sun is high now and I guess I've been out here for a couple of hours. I've kept up my steady pace of killing and I feel the effects of that on my body. I try to move hair that has stuck itself to my sweat glistened face, but the blood and grime keeps me from doing so. My shirt is sticking to me and I know I'm starting to smell like one of the dead. I continue to work as Rick moves next to me. He watches me for awhile and I find myself completely unnerved by his presence.

"What're you doin' Olivia?"

His manner and tone are calm and I know he's afraid I've gone off into one of my episodes. I feel the anger rise and I stab harder at the dead monsters trying to grab me through the metal. I ignore Rick and keep moving down the fence as if he wasn't there. I hear him sigh and move in closer to me. I tense and he takes notice because he backs off instantly.

"What's the matter?"

He's concerned and I can't find it in me to face him and talk like a normal human being would. I don't want to face what I did. I don't want to face what the consequences are going to be. I know I am surely going to lose him to what's happened between us.

"Is this about last night?"

His direct question throws me off and I stop what I'm doing and just stare at the milky eyes of a particularly disgusting looking walker. Its teeth are bared and snapping at me. What's left of its fingers is trying to reach the fresh meat it desires. I almost feel bad for the creature. It doesn't know what it's doing. It only knows what it needs, what it wants and it wants me.

"Olivia?" Rick's voice breaks through my thoughts and I become agitated at the intrusion. "What Rick? What do you want?" I snap at him. He's taken aback by my outburst and clear annoyance with his presence. I see him clench his jaw and I know he only does that when he's angry or frustrated. He's most likely both when he deals with me.

"What're you doin'? Tryin' to kill yourself with a heat stroke?"

"I'm doing what needs to be done."

"Great, now why don't you go inside and rest."

It isn't a suggestion or question. His tone suggests he is not amused by my stubbornness. I can't seem to stop the anger that has planted itself inside me from boiling over. I throw down the crow bar I was using, now covered in blood and guts, at Rick's feet. He steps back and looks at me in shock.

"I don't need you treating me like a child Rick!" I'm yelling now and I only slightly register that my tone and words make me seem just like that, a child. I see his eyes shift to something behind me and I notice people have gathered in the yard. I sigh and fight off the migraine that's threatening to take over.

He steps closer to me and he's studying me like I've seen him do so many times before. I've never shouted at him like this and I can tell he's bothered by it. I meet his gaze and I don't like what I see so I look away. He looks as if he wants to pull me to him, but doesn't when he notices I'm covered in blood and pieces of skin.

"What's the matter Olivia? Talk to me." He says quietly.

I close my eyes and feel the tears prickle my lids. "About what Rick?" Although there are tears in my eyes, I am speaking from a place of anger. I don't give him a chance to answer before I continue. "About my rape? About my dreams? About how I seduced you?" I see him flinch at the mention of my rape and he realizes, before I do, that I am breaking down.

"You didn't seduce me Ol-," I cut him off before he can finish. "Yes I did! I threw myself at you Rick!" I'm yelling again and I don't care if anyone or everyone can hear.

"I can't do this anymore." I say lowly. He's confused by that and it shows. "What'd you mean? What're you sayin'?"

"I don't know." I say dejectedly because I don't. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I feel. It seems I'm always a hundred different things at once.

"I don't know what you want from me." Rick says.

"I want everything and nothing." I say cryptically.

"Tell me." He insists.

I sigh and let the words pour out before I can stop them. "I want you. Not only that, I _need_ you Rick. I have come to depend on you so much that I'm not sure how I ever survived without you. I feel emptiness when I can't be with you and yet I-I don't want you to see me the way you have to. I don't want to be weak or fragile anymore with you. I don't want to bring you down. I don't want to feel because…because I don't deserve to."

I look at him and he's staying silent, thinking about my words. I continue. "Do you understand Rick? I am bad for you. I am a shitty friend and an even shittier person." My voice starts to rise again as I gesture wildly with my hands. "Jesus, I didn't even speak to you when your wife died! I knew what was happening to you. I saw, like everyone else what was happening and still I did nothing! I avoided you. You helped me through the most tragic event of my life and I couldn't even find it in myself to offer my condolences for yours."

He looks away from me at the mention of his dead wife and subsequent downfall. I can feel the migraine with full force now, but I ignore the pain. I can't seem to stop what I've started.

"Nothin' you coulda said would've brought me back. I had to do it on my own." Rick says.

"I know that. I know that because it's the same for me, but I still could've been there for you. I still could've comforted you in some other way than sleeping with you." I say solemnly. He runs a hand through his hair and I can see he's uncomfortable. "I make my own choices Olivia. I made my own choice last night."

"And why is that Rick? Because you've dedicated so much of your time to helping me? Because I've suddenly become your responsibility?"

"I could've walked away from you, but I didn't and I haven't. I'm still here and no, I didn't ask for this, but things have changed. Things…are just different." He finishes weakly.

I'm suddenly too tired to continue with our conversation. I leave him there. I walk away and return to the cell block. People are looking at me, but I ignore them and they avoid me. I grab a change of clothes and go to the showers. I need to rid myself of the blood, guts, guilt, need, desperation. I need to cleanse myself of it all.


	7. Chapter 7

_Thanks to everyone for the reviews and to those who are reading! Sadly, there is only one more chapter after this. I've debated on whether or not to extend it, but as of right now my creative juices aren't flowing past the point I've ended it. Maybe in the future I'll add to it. Anyways, this chapter is longer for you guys and has two prominent looks into the past. It's sort of a glimpse into how Rick and Olivia's relationship has progressed to what it is now. Read and enjoy!_

**Chapter 7-Correlations**

As I'm showering I think back to that time Rick and the group was staying with me at my house. I remember moments he and I shared during that time that led to where we were now.

I was in my bathroom. I clung to the waste basket as I emptied what little was in my stomach. A migraine had hit me suddenly and I couldn't control the dizziness or nausea that ensued. I felt the tears run down my cheeks as my stomach heaved again. I faintly heard someone knocking on my bedroom door, but I ignored it. I was too weak to even reply. I readied myself for another round of vomiting when someone stood in the doorway of my bathroom. I glanced up to see Rick. He immediately knelt down beside me and placed a comforting hand on my back.

"It's alrigh'." He chanted to me as I wretched into the basket. I felt embarrassment hit me as my stomach finally started to calm. I hated that he saw me like that. He disappeared for a moment and came back with a bottle of water. He handed it to me and I rinsed my mouth out with the cool liquid. I was still sitting on the bathroom floor and leaning against the wall as I let my body relax from the strain of getting sick. Rick was still kneeling beside me, just looking at me. Once I knew I wasn't going to be sick again, I met his eyes. They were full of concern, but he didn't pester me for answers. He was patient as he waited for me to explain.

"Thanks." My voice was hoarse and I took a drink of the water again.

"No problem. You okay?" I only nodded weakly at his question. He didn't accept my answer. "Olivia…" He trailed off and I knew he was signaling he wanted more information.

"It was just a migraine Rick. I'll be fine." He seemed to accept that answer. "That happen a lot?" He asked. "No. I get migraines occasionally, but they don't usually make me sick like that. Hasn't happened in awhile." I provided.

I was still leaning against the wall. I didn't trust myself to try and get up. I still felt so weak from all the vomiting. I closed my eyes again, but open them as soon as I felt his hand touch my face. He was moving a piece of hair off my sweat laced forehead and he looked determined, like the cop I remembered.

"Can I get you anythin'?" He offered. I shook my head and pulled my eyes from his. His fingers were gone from my face and I missed the feeling. I could feel his mood shift and I started to watch him carefully. He was now avoiding my gaze and I wondered what had him so nervous all the sudden.

"Who's been takin' care of you Olivia?"

I was surprised by the question. I wasn't aware that I needed to be taken care of and I felt anger at his insinuation. "Why would I need to be taken care of?" I asked incredulously. He looked as if he didn't want to answer, but I fixed him with a stare, letting him know I expected him to.

"I remember how scared you were. I remember the-uh-the things you saw." He was referring to my many phone calls I'd placed to him and the state I'd be in once he came to my door.

"I got better. You remember that? I stopped calling you."

"Just because you stopped callin' didn't mean you stopped being afraid."

"I managed." I assured him. I could see he was staring to blame himself. He was starting to take responsibility for me again and I let him. I let him because I'd been alone for so long. I was plagued by nightmares and visions of dark figures. I had been terrified in my own home all those lonely months.

I continued before he could say anything else. "Trying not to be eaten by dead bastards helps keep my mind off things." I said with a joking air to my voice. He laughed and nodded in understanding. That conversation was the first we had about our previous life together. It was the first time we acknowledged the bond we brought into this new world.

"How's Lori?" I asked. I asked about his wife because I was genuinely curious. She was about five months pregnant and even though she was introduced as his wife, I could sense the tension between the two immediately. I wasn't filled in on any of the group's back story and I didn't much care. They didn't ask about me and I didn't ask about them. Whatever Rick had told them about how we met, everyone had decided to keep their distance. I found I liked it that way. Everyone was polite and kind, but that's where it stopped with me.

Rick sighed and I can tell he didn't like my question. "Fine. She's fine." His answer was short and vague and I decided to let the subject go.

"You still havin' trouble sleepin' at night?" Rick asked suddenly. I let my eyes settle on his again and I'm reminded of the overwhelming sense of safety I feel when I do. "Sometimes." That was a lie. It was more than sometimes, but I didn't want to elaborate on the matter.

"You can come get me if you need to. I don't mind." I only nodded and decided to start moving off the bathroom floor. Rick helped me as I leaned myself on him and tried not to let the dizziness sweep me away. I moved against the bathroom counter and felt the strength start to come back to my limbs. Rick said he would take care of the waste basket for me and I smiled my thanks at him. That was the beginning of my constant need to have Rick as my hero. It became noticeable and his wife was more than unhappy at the development. I paid no attention to her or anyone else. I only focused on Rick and the feelings he awoke in me.

We were only able to stay at my house for another couple of weeks before a large herd swept through. We grabbed all that we could and loaded up into the cars and ran. It was never questioned if I would join them on the road. It went without saying. On the road was the first time I'd disassociated in months. We'd found another small farm house and had been there for a few days. I'd been talking with Carol as we prepared dinner for everyone. She was actually the one doing the talking. I just listened as she talked about her old life. I learned that she'd had a husband and daughter at one point. She didn't talk about her daughter, but she did nothing to hide her distaste for her now dead husband. She told me that he use to beat her. I stopped what I was doing then and just looked at her. I felt something pull inside of me and I knew what it was. I tried to fight it. I tried to keep myself rooted to my place in that rundown kitchen, but I couldn't.

When I came to, I noticed it was dark outside and I was still sitting in the kitchen chair I'd been seated in when I was talking to Carol. I looked around me and noticed Rick slumped in the chair next to me. He looked to be asleep. I shifted and the chair groaned in protest. Rick awoke at the noise and his eyes immediately connected to mine. He got out of his chair and knelt in front of me. He grabbed my hands and I could see how scared he was. I still hadn't said anything and he grabbed my face in between his hands as he spoke hurriedly.

"Olivia! Olivia! Can you hear me?" His voice was low, but frantic and I wondered what had caused him to be like that. I nodded at him, signaling that I could hear and understand what he was saying. He took a shaky breath in and his hands fell down to rest on my knees.

"What happened to you?" His voice was laced with worry and I immediately started to feel bad. I realized then that I must've had an episode. I'd never had one around other people that caused so much concern before.

"I-I'm sorry." I finally got out weakly. He didn't respond to my apology and asked his question again. "What happened Olivia?" His voice was calmer now and I could sense he wanted to find a way to fix me. To fix what happened so that it never occurred again.

"I-I-," I struggled with how to respond. "My therapist, she called them "episodes". She-she'd said my conscious mind shuts down or something like that. I end up in a sort of catatonic state, but still able to function. I lose blocks of time. I have no recollection of what's happened or how I got to certain places."

I finished and could see how confused he was. He moved away from me and back to sitting in the chair he'd occupied. I could tell he was trying to process what I'd said and I remembered why I didn't like sharing this with people. They just didn't understand.

"So what? You just black out?" He asked finally. I shifted on the chair so I faced him and met his questioning gaze. "Sort of. I can't really explain it. Sometimes I can remember where I go in my head, but most of the time it's as if only a second has passed. It hasn't happened in a while." I confess. I remember my tone being small and insecure. I felt in that moment that he would abandon me. I felt he would gather his group and leave the loony woman to her devices. But what I saw when I looked into his eyes was a hunger for understanding. He was a cop. He wanted to understand the problem and find a solution. He was a fixer.

"You gave everyone quite a scare." He'd said as he ran ragged hands through his hair. I looked down at the table, feeling bad for making everyone worry and fear me no doubt. "Carol noticed you seemed to zone out and when she called your name you didn't respond. She came and got me. I tried to get your attention, but you were…unresponsive. I got Hershel and he said it looked like you'd gone into some sort of shock and to leave you be, but keep an eye on you."

"How long was I gone?" I asked, only half wanting to know.

"Five hours."

I'd been shocked by his answer. I'd never recalled being out of it for that long. I'd tried to grasp at the place I'd travelled to, but I couldn't. I'd felt drained and tired and I'd yearned for a soft bed to lie on.

"Do you remember where you went? What you saw?" He asked hesitantly. He wasn't sure if I would talk about it or not. I wasn't even sure I'd wanted to talk about it if I'd remembered, but luckily I didn't. I shook my head in response to his question. He'd got up suddenly and grabbed a bowl sitting on the counter. He'd placed a bowl of rice and spam in front of me and bottled water.

"It's cold now, but you should eat." He'd gestured to the food and I'd mumbled a thanks in return. He'd surprised me by sitting down again and watching me eat. I could tell he'd wanted to ask me more.

"Say it." I'd said through a mouthful of rice.

The surprise had registered on his face, but he let it pass quickly. "How long has this been goin' on?"

"Since my attack." I'd answered. I didn't feel so hungry after that and pushed the bowl of food away from me.

"You never said anythin'."

I could tell he felt a small degree of hurt at my omission. I wanted to feel bad, but I didn't. If that latest episode hadn't taken place, none of them would've been the wiser. It would've been the way I liked it.

"I wasn't sure how to explain it. I didn't know what was happening to me. Still don't. It just happens. I can't control it."

He nodded, trying to wrap his head around it. He couldn't. Not when I was the one it was happening to.

"Is there anything I can do when you're like that?" He tried. I shook my head. "I don't think so. I just have to come out of it." Again he nodded and scratched at his stubble. "Do you want me to tell the others? Explain it to them?" He asked carefully.

I thought about it for a moment. I already knew I wanted to say no. I didn't want prying eyes or ears in my business. If I hadn't met Rick before, he sure as hell wouldn't know the details. I'm content with people thinking I'm crazy. I think they're half way right anyway.

"No. Not in detail. The less they know the better."

"Alrigh'."

I'd let my head fall into my hands and could feel a migraine coming on. I didn't like the sudden reappearance of my weaknesses. Surprisingly so, they'd stayed dormant for most of the time I survived alone in my house. It seemed the presence of people being brought back into my life caused them to resurface.

Rick's voice cut through my thoughts. "You aren't a danger while you're gone, are you? To yourself or others?"

I don't blame him for asking that question. It's understandable. I honestly didn't know, but I imagined not if I hadn't already killed myself or someone else.

"I don't think so." I answered into my hands. I heard him sigh and the chair groan again as he moved. I looked up and saw him standing, looking down at me. I remember thinking how handsome he was in that moment. I remember finding him more attractive then, than I did when we'd first met. He reached his hand down to me and I took it as I stood up. I used his arms to steady myself, but soon enough I was fine.

"You should get to bed. It's late. You got it from here?"

I nodded and started to walk out of the kitchen. I turned at the last minute in the doorway and faced him. "Thanks Rick." I said softly. He nodded and I left.

Those moments stick with me. I guess I hold onto them because they are the moments I let someone in without really meaning to. I let a man in who saved me when I didn't ask. He was essentially a stranger and for some reason he is the one person who continues to be there for me when I need it. He has seen me at my weakest. He already seems to know me so well and I both hate and love that fact. He hadn't judged or abandoned me like I'd expected him to. He accepted me for what I was-a broken mess of a woman trying to piece herself back together.

As I finish up my shower, I start to think about what happened between us the night before. I'm still angry with myself, but I can still feel the sensations he'd brought out in me. I can still feel that amazing tingle I got when I let go in his arms. It felt amazing, I couldn't deny that. I thought about how I left him outside. I walked away from him. I was always walking away or shutting down. I was exhausting myself with the seemingly never ending roller coaster of emotions. I cared for Rick, deeply. I could see he cared for me too. I'm not sure if it was in the same way or not. Either way it wasn't good. If he cared for me in the same way I did for him, I was doomed to swallow him alive. If he didn't, then I was left alone and shattered. Rick was my drug. He made me feel as if we were the only two people alive. He was my caretaker, my hero, my support, my friend, my lover. He was my crutch. I was pushing him away and I found myself yearning to be held in his arms again.

I sigh and shut off the water and my thoughts. I dress in black jeans and a gray t-shirt. I let my hair air dry into a mass of tangled waves and replace my boots on my feet. I gather my soiled clothes and open the door to exit the bathroom. Carol is there. She smiles at me and I find myself returning it, although I don't feel it. Carol is probably the only other person I can somewhat relate to. She's been through something similar to me, only it happened to her more than once. I have an immense amount of respect for her. I also envy her. She got to see her tormentor die. I never did. Probably never will.

She takes my clothes from me without a word and hands me bottled water. I accept it gratefully, realizing how thirsty I am and nearly finish the bottle on sight. We start to walk back to the cell block together and I notice she is stealing glances my way.

"You okay Olivia?" She asks, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Peachy." I say sarcastically. She only smirks and I sigh. She is patient with my like Rick is. I don't know what it is about me that insist on pushing these people away.

"How are things with Rick?"

I laugh at her question. She isn't afraid to ask or say what's on her mind and I admire that about her. She'd told me there was a time when she'd been afraid to even breathe the wrong way. Now she basked in her freedom and new found confidence. Again I felt the envy.

"Complicated." I offer simply. It's her turn to laugh. Everyone knows that fact. Mine and Rick's relationship has always been complicated, yet simple. The view from outside said we were friends. Inside, we were an entanglement of unsaid words, mysterious glances, and questionable embraces.

"You guys were fighting pretty hard earlier." Carol points out. I knew this was coming, so I succumb to the inevitable conversation.

"We're always fighting. Nothing new." I say as I drag my fingers through my mess of dark hair.

"I wouldn't call it fighting. Bickering maybe, but today…that was more."

I find myself thinking, not for the first time that Carol is very insightful. I've found she and I are alike in that way. We can read people easily. We are able to pick up on people's moods and auras quickly. We are perceptive and silent, but always thinking.

It was true what she'd said about Rick and me. We were prone to bicker, mostly about me and because of me. It wasn't often we did it in front of everyone, but being in such close quarters, things like that were hard to hide.

"He cares for you, ya know?" She says this in a matter of fact tone. She's said it to me more than once and each time I shrug it off. I know Rick cares for me, but the way she says it insinuates something bigger.

"I know what you're saying Carol. But…" I trail off. I sigh and continue to walk beside her. "It hasn't been that long." I state. I don't have to elaborate for her to understand what I'm referring to.

"Almost a year. You do make him happy."

I think about the fact that Judith will already be a year old and I can't grasp at where the time has gone. It seems that aspect of life hasn't changed even with the world ending. We round the last corner and are walking into the cell block. We both stop talking, leaving our previous conversation with the empty halls of the prison. I see it is lunch time. A majority of the residents eat outside at the tables near the outdoor kitchen to chat, much like a high school cafeteria. I only see Beth feeding a frenzied Judith and Hershel sitting at one of the metal tables. They both glance up at me, but soon return to their lunch. I decide to stay inside for the rest of the day and help Carol.


	8. Chapter 8

_So, here's the last chapter for you guys. Thanks to all those who reviewed, followed, and favorited this story. It means so much to me that you guys enjoyed it. I really enjoyed writing this and I have a feeling I'll get an itch to add to it, but for right now I think this is an appropriate ending. I've purposefully left it sort of open-ended. It felt right for Rick and Olivia and for me. I hope you guys like it and find it fitting. Review and enjoy!_

**Chapter 8-And So It Is…**

It is days later when I seek Rick out. I've managed to avoid him since our fight by the fences. I keep myself busy with helping Carol or Hershel. I've seemed to trick myself into thinking I'm better. My migraines haven't come back and I haven't disassociated again. I still have my dreams though. They are vivid and feel so real, but I refuse to let myself go crawling back into Rick's bed. I suffer for that. I don't sleep much. I can feel Rick's constant gaze on me and I know he's trying to give me space. He and I have never been separated for very long since we've met up again. I was always in need of something. I can feel the effects of not sleeping and I struggle to keep the exhaustion off my face. I do not do a good job.

I am helping Hershel hand out some of the medication when I almost make a deathly mistake. The words on the prescription bottle run together and I hastily put the pill with the ones already laid out in my hand. I go to hand them to an elderly woman when I feel a strong grip on my arm. I turn to see Hershel. He is calm, but I can tell something is wrong. He takes the pills from me and finds the one I'd picked out in my rush. He replaces it with another and gives me the pills back. When I go back to him I see he is reading the prescription bottle. He hands it to me and with fresh eyes I see I was about to give someone a blood thinner. The elderly woman I just so happen to be giving medication to is severely anemic. I pale at the realization. I could've killed her. I could've killed someone just because I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing. Because I couldn't sleep at night. Because my tormentor was always there.

I was obviously dismissed from medication duties. I felt worthless. I go down to the bathrooms and I make sure I am alone before I start to cry. I not only cry, I sob uncontrollably. I have let myself get out of hand. I have let my attack define me. I have worn the label of victim for too long. I slide down the wall and onto the cold floor of one of the shower stalls. I realize this is the first time I've really cried since my attack. I've shed tears of pain or dark memories, but I haven't sobbed like this since that night. It felt refreshing and mournful all at the same time. I think about Rick and our current situation. I miss him. I admit to myself that I miss him more than I was comfortable with. I realize that I'd rather have only a part of him than none. Even with him being so close still, there is a distance I have placed between us. It is the same distance I placed there when I'd stopped calling him. This time though, I feel his absence much stronger. Truthfully, there has always been a kind of distance between us. I have always kept Rick at arm's length, yet he is the only person to know the most intimate parts of me. I find myself relishing in that fact more than cringing and feel as if I've had an epiphany. I make a decision sitting there on the dirty floor of a prison bathroom. I decide to stop feeling sorry for myself. I decide to take control. I don't want to live like this forever. I want to go back to that woman I was before all the evil had touched me. I want to laugh and smile for no reason. I want to love. I want to give myself a chance.

I've disappeared for a couple of hours before I make my way back into the cell block. I've made sure my eyes are not swollen and my nose isn't red from the tears I've cried. I see Rick immediately. He's getting ready to go outside. I stop him with a hand to his arm. He's startled by my touch and I feel him watching me closely.

"I need to talk to you. Can we go somewhere? Alone?" I'm not at all confident that he will give me the time of day, but he does. He nods hesitantly, as if he's not quite sure how to act around me. I hate myself again. I hate that he has to treat me like an abused animal. One minute I could cuddle up next to him, desperate for affection, the next minute I'm huddled in a corner with my teeth bared. I lead the way back into the tombs. I've decided on the library. It's too late in the day for any of the kids to be in there. It's a quiet spot that not many people visit throughout the day.

Rick and I say nothing to each other as we make our way to the double wooden doors. I'm trying to calm my racing heart and thoughts as we walk through the doors and into the dimly lit room. I face the rows of books and smell the aroma of old pages of literature. This is one of the few places in the prison that doesn't smell like rotting corpses and I'm thankful for that now. My stomach feels as if it is in knots. I turn to face Rick and see he is staring at me. I immediately cast my eyes to the ground and begin playing with the end of my shirt. I feel the tears in my eyes and I try hard to not let them fall.

"I'm sorry Rick." My voice is rough from my earlier sobbing and I cringe at how small I sound. I clear my throat and look up. Rick is still just watching me. His blue eyes are piercing through my skin and looking directly into my soul. I feel absolutely naked in that moment. He continues to say nothing and lets me continue.

"I-I don't know what's happening to me. What's happened to me…my rape," I struggle to get the words out, but continue on without stopping. "It's insidious, like…like some type of cancer. It's gotten out of control. I-I don't know how I got here." The tears are trickling down my face now and I don't bother wiping them away. "I've clung to you like you are my only life line and I haven't been fair to you. I've been selfish and ungrateful and I don't know how to make it up to you because although it may not seem like it, you've helped me. You've saved me Rick and I care about you."

I see Rick shifting on his feet and he sighs. I feel the rejection start to creep in and my heart start to splinter, but I hold it together.

"Olivia…" He trails off. I go to him. I wrap my arms around him so tightly. I feel his arms automatically wrap around me and I savor the moment. In his arms is where I belong. I know it. I can feel him start to pull away and I reluctantly do the same. I still stand close to him and I let my hand come up to cup his bearded cheek. He tenses at first, but then he relaxes under my touch.

"I've brought you so much grief. I want a chance to make it up to you. I want a chance to show you who I was before you found me in that ditch. Let me show you and let me help you." I whisper gently.

He pulls away and I feel cold at the loss of him. He turns his back to me and runs a hand through his lengthening hair.

"I've chosen to help you Olivia. Like I said, I could've walked away from you, but I've stayed because I wanted to. I've always been here…you've never lost me. But you were right about a couple of things. You do depend on me quite a bit, but so do I. I go to you for almost everythin', you just don't know it. That's what I like. I like bein' with you and helpin' you because it has nothin' to do with me or my broken family."

He's turns back around to face me and I stare at him, shocked by his words. He moves close to me again and moves a stray hair from my face as he speaks.

"And the other night…I wanted that. I wanted it for many reasons, just like you."

I close my eyes at the emotion behind his words. They send a jolt straight to my heart. My thoughts are swimming and I struggle to keep the dark ones at bay. _He's too good for you. You'll just ruin him. You're damaged goods._

I pull myself away from him suddenly and go to the wall. I slide down and focus on my breathing. Those thoughts were not my voice. They were the voice of the man who's haunted me for years now. I put my head in my hands and rid them away. I feel Rick come and sit beside me.

"What is it?"He asks gently. I keep my head in my hands and sigh. "It's him. He's telling me I'll ruin you. That you're too good for me." Rick is silent and I continue. "He's right."

"No, Olivia."

I raise my head and look at him. His voice was stern and his face matches. I shake my head and laugh in a self-deprecating manner. "Those things are true." He shakes his head and goes to interrupt, but I continue. "But I want to prove myself wrong. I want to prove him wrong."

His eyes hold so much concern and care for me that I feel the intensity of it sitting there on the floor next to him. I move into his side and place my head on his chest. His arms warp around me and I relax slightly. I'm so close to him I'm nearly in his lap. I've deprived myself of affection for so long that I can see and feel the implications of that now. I'm starved for Rick's touch. I yearn for his gentle caresses and soothing words.

"I'm sorry Rick. For everything. For Lori, me…everything."

"You don't have to be…but thanks."

"What'd we do now?" I ask bravely. Unsure if I really want to know the answer.

"I don't know." He says honestly and continues. "I care about you. You have to know that."

I nod into his chest. I inhale the scent of him. He smells like sweat and something that is purely him. I let my fingers play with the buttons of his shirt, longing to unbutton them and feel his skin under mine.

"So we both help each other. We do this. Together." I say with confidence. I can hear his heart beating under me and I wait with baited breath for him to say something in return.

"Okay." He says simply. I feel one of his hands tangle in my hair and I let out a sigh of relief. This man was my savior. We'd both helped each other in our own ways. We'd both gone through horrible tragedies and gotten lost in the aftermath, but we were going to make each other stronger. We were going to help each other, love each other, support each other. I cared for this man deeply and it was most likely love. We had an unhealthy dependency on each other that required us to move slowly and figure things out. I was willing to do that for the first time. I was willing to let him all the way in and reciprocate the favor. We would get through this. I knew it. I knew it because I had nothing else to believe in. I had to because my sanity depended on it.


End file.
